Scandal Erupts as Lopsided Officiating Results in the Cyclones Outplaying the Broncos
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Written by: The Associated Press
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
The U10 Broncos took to the pitch on February 16th, and lost their first game of the second session. This time the opponent was the young Bristol Cyclones U8 team. The final score was 7-5. The Broncos and the Cyclones are now tied for first place.
Prior to the game several unidentified people were seen passing Monopoly money to the referee. It is unclear if the unidentified people were players or parents. One witness has described the suspect as a “short person, wearing a goalie shirt prior to the start of the game”. Another witness described another suspect as the “number one draft pick during the 1981 youth soccer season”. A third witness said the other suspect kept mumbling “I Know a Guy. It’s all taken care of”. At this early stage of the investigation there is the possibility of a conspiracy.
During the game Coach Klein was seen talking with the referee who just happened to be a coworker of his. After several minutes, the discussion turned ugly. It is somewhat unclear what the discussion was actually about, but spectators heard Coach Klein say, “That’s it. I’m not buying you pudding at lunch on Monday!”
Of other interest, Coach Kris Larson was allegedly seen bribing Coach Klein’s daughter Sarah Jane to join his family for dinner if she faked an injury during the game to distract her father. Larson was also over heard thanking Sarah Jane for handing the referee one of the envelopes. He was then overheard telling her “don’t worry about the police. You’re a minor, nothing will happen to you.” Before Coach Kris and his posse could be questioned by local officials, they sped away in a really cool mini van.
When questioned about the events, Coach Klein stated; “I was aware of the rumors prior to the game but dismissed them”. When questioned about the argument with the referee, Klein responded “I tried to fight fire with fire. I offered the referee a 10 dollar Dunkin Donuts coupon. The referee laughed and said; ‘I don’t have any taste buds, so I would prefer Honey Dew coupons’. That’s when all hell broke out”.
Coach Klein was seen meeting with BYSA officials, Teamwork’s management, the Humane Society, Little Friends Preschool, Mobil Oil, Local and State Police and at around 7:30 a sharply dressed man was seen talking with Klein. It is rumored to be the Broncos team attorney and witnesses claim the team attorney was none other than Robert L. Shapiro. Shapiro told reports at a press conference; “I will get to the bottom of this. Don’t worry, all the Honey Dews are on the lookout for a suspect trying to pass funny money”. Shapiro also stated; “We will file charges against him if he turns up at Honey Dew”. Cyclone’s Assistant Coach Rob Cimbron is already seeking legal counsel. “This is libel!” said Cimbron. “We are informing you now that we have retained the services of D'Oliveira & Morgan. We think it would be in your best interest to settle.”
The community was extremely interested in the outcome of the game. Coach Ed DaCosta told the Associated Press, “I knew the Cyclones were the better team. I taught Coach Larson everything he knows. I’ve been trying to teach Klein about the game of soccer, but he’s a little slow. I figured the Cyclones won when I saw the sign at the Dunkin Donuts that read, ‘Cyclones Rule, Broncos Drool’...only to find a sign outside Honey Dew that read ‘Broncos Get Beat, After Cyclones Cheat’”
Parents of the Broncos were devastated. In a prepared press release, the parents stated, “Coach Klein is the best manager these girls have had at the U10 competitive level. Well actually, he's the only manager we’ve actually had at this level so we don’t have much to compare it to. Is there any room on the Cyclones roster?”
Disclaimer: The contents of this article are not accurate and are intended as a joke and should in no way be taken seriously…except the part about the really cool mini van. Thanks- DK
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