Major 3V3 Personnel Changes Announced
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Written by: Kris Larson
Monday, April 28, 2008
The Bristol Cyclones 3V3 team recently announced a major change in their front office personnel.
“We are pleased to tell the world that Nelson Teixeira will be replacing Kris Larson as the head coach,” said the team’s public relations director. “This will be a great thing for the kids, the community and the United States of America.”
The sudden change happens in the wake of scandal surrounding Larson’s tenure as the 3V3 head coach. Under Larson’s leadership, the team “mercy-ruled” every competitor in Regional and World Championship matches.
“His behavior was terrible. He was always competing,” said Larson’s always supportive wife Donna. “I had to tell him to cut it out when he was teaching the girls to distract their competition so their shoe laces could be tied together.”
“Whatever,” said Coach Larson. “Listen, if you chuckleheads can’t figure out by now that I don’t have a clue about this game, you haven’t been paying attention. Even the girls were figuring it out. We killed everyone out there. If they want to kick me out that’s fine.”
Reached by phone, Rob Cimbron an assistant coach for they 3V3 squad pointed out the “Nelson obviously has time to learn the game. He’s never in the office. He must have been watching soccer on TV. It’s a good thing, though. Larson was never at practice on time and he often went to the wrong field.”
Confused by Cimbron’s comments, Dana Teixeira was quick to jump to her husband’s defense. “Nels was a great player,” she said. “You may not know it because he doesn’t tell anyone but he was the number one draft pick in BYSA as a kid. He also played semi-professionally for the Boston Aztecs. That’s impressive and that was enough for me to marry him. I stalked him for years after first hearing of the legendary Teixeira.”
Teixeira will be taking over the squad after a very brief assignment in BYSA’s U6 division. Despite rumors fueled by Marc Levesque, Teixeira was a coach, not a player in the U6 program. When asked to comment, Levesque would only say “I’ll go with whatever you want. I mean I like our coach but if you guys want to make a change, that’s okay with me. I’m just saying.”
“It’s about time something happened,” said Liza Olson. “I don’t say much on the sideline but this was starting to tick me off. He was useless. I was going to nominate my husband for the job but I try to keep him busy cleaning the house.”
“I’m outraged and confused by the decision,” said Kim Levesque. “Nelson seems too nice of a guy. I don’t think he’ll be able to yell at my daughter during the baseball games the way Larson did.”
Larson will take on new responsibilities with the organization including carrying the bag, carrying a grudge, carrying extra pounds around his waist and carrying a heavy burden.
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